A Day in my Life

As I type these I don't normally read them. A co-worker of mine was reading this the other day and just dying laughing. I couldn't figure out what was so funny as this is my life. So I decided maybe I should read one from an outside point of view if that is even possible. I couldn't believe it, sometimes as a mother you get lost in your little world and forget that you once used to just be a person and then reading that makes you wonder how you do it all. When people say to me "I just don't know how you do it?" I can't believe that question. You mean I have a choice. You mean today I don't have to change diapers, make bottles, help with homework, make dinner, do laundry, be a taxi? To me there is no option.



Some day I dream of when they are all gone and wonder what I will do with my time. No diapers to change, no big dinners to cook, no running to school events and breaking up fights. I am not sure what I will do with all my time. Maybe rest after all these years. Last night is a perfect example: After working all day, I pick up the spoiled one and confused one and head home. I have to stop at Wal-mark a.k.a. the White Store (that's what the spoiled one calls it, I have no idea why), and get a new nose sucker (bulb syringe) the confused one has a cold and while I was using the one I had on her she jerked and it jammed up her nose, oops. So I decided to get a new one. I am roaming around the store with them and can't find what I am looking for. Finally after going in circle's for about 30 minutes (the spoiled one told me we were going in circles) I find one. What is that noise, cell phone is ringing. Great one of the kids are bleeding...nope it's hubby who is in Utah he sayings working and I saying vacationing but he needs to know something and wants me to look it up on the computer. Ok sorry but I am the White Store getting a nose sucker and not by a computer, I will check it when I get home.

Ok time to go home after we stop to ride the Ice Cream truck ride and crap I forgot Kleenex's for the confused one. Oh well. I get home and start dinner, there are about 30 kids in the backyard playing football, climbing on the swingset and on the roof of the playhouse. What is going on? I am just going to ignore that and start dinner and get the confused one some medicine and suck out the nose. It's time to eat, and believe it or not I haven't had a hot meal in years unless we go out to eat and with 5 kids that doesn't happen to often. Of course last night was not any different by the time I got them all together and feed it was cold so there goes that dinner, I am surprised I don't weight just 90 pounds as little as I eat.

The 4 oldest go out back with the rest of the neighborhood and time to get the confused one to sleep, but the sports junkie keeps coming in and out of the back door wanting drinks and more drinks, I yell turn on the hose. The drama queen hears me and tells me about some article she read about stuff inside garden hoses that are bad for you. So I tell her she shouldn't be reading, she should be watching TV or something and that I drank out of a garden hose so it's fine.

I get the confused one to sleep, send the spoiled one to Grandma's to take a bath. Get the other ones in to start showering, which for some reason is a chore, I would love someone to say "Hey, you need to go and take a good long shower and get real clean." you wouldn't see me for a week. Ahhh a little bit of peace, I can get the dishes done from the dinner no one wanted to eat. Eventually they all get in bed, after some fighting, threats, pillow throwing, screaming. It's over. I sit down and look around at the house that needs cleaned but I am exhausted. I flip through the TV and I almost start to feel guilty. "What am I doing, there are things that need done and you are just sitting here?" That forces me to get up and pick up the living room, put some clothes away, wipe off the kitchen table, etc. I think I might have forgotten how to relax. I decide to just go to bed, never mind I am being called the confused one just woke up and I forgot to look on the computer for hubby. Oh well it's almost time for another day.

Sinks and Golf

While hubby is out golfing and I am home doing the wifely/motherly chores of the morning it seems my kitchen sink is clogged. I have one side with a garbage disposal and one with a drain. Every time I would run the water on one side it would fill and also start to fill the other. Ok I have an idea, the plunger, that will work. Well that didn't work out but it did make a mess all over the wall. I decided I had to get down and go under the sink to work. I could do this, I have done a million thinks, this sink can't be that big of a deal.



The sports junkie and potty mouth are watching and I think secretly taking bets. I tell the sports junkie to get the confused one and put her in her playpen so she doesn't get into any of the lovely things I have under my kitchen sink. Ok there is a u-shaped tube and then a straight tube that goes into the wall, can't be to hard. I figure it I jiggle it a little maybe it will come unclogged, jiggling, jiggling what the $%$# the straight tube just came out of the wall and it is full of noodles. ???? Where did those come from. Ok, no water that works so I clean out the noodles no big deal. I slam the straight tube back into the wall and continue my mission, it's still clogged.



I clean out the side under the sink which has the tube under it and place a bowl under it, a good sized bowl just to be safe. I start wiggling the u-shaped part of the tube and an explosion occurs. There was not a bowl full there was a bathtub full of smelly slimy noodley nasty stuff. I almost threw up. The entire underneath of the sink is flooded as was the rug I was sitting on and me. Potty mouth says "You should call Atta Boy mom!" the sports junkie says "I told you to wait for dad to get home." I can do this, I can do this. I scream "BRING ME SOME TOWELS!" The boys bring every towel in the house and with 7 people in here that is a lot. I didn't use all of them but most of them. I tell the sports junkie to get the confused one out of the kitchen before she starts eating the nastiness all over the floor. Of course she has pooped and I have to get this cleaned up before the golfer comes home and makes fun of me for not being able to do it.

I get everything cleaned up, the tubes are still apart. I have the sports junkie to the rug out that really needed washed anyway and spray off. It is still hanging over the swingset drying. :)
The potty mouth is trying to control his laughter but I can tell he is having a hard time with it. I take the tube off all the way and ICK! noodles, tons of them. I don't know how they got in there I don't remember putting noodles down that side. I have the potty mouth carefully take it to the bathroom and empty it out.

Time to put everything back together. I can't get the tube back on, everytime I think I have it and tell the potty mouth to slowly turn the water on, which by the way 9 year olds don't know what slow is. I end out with water everywhere again. It's time to walk away, I have been defeated by the sink. It just won't work for me. I should've waited for dad to get home. But I decide to try one last time and there we go, it works.

I put everything back under the sick throw all the towels covered in vomit smell in a basket to wash and there you go. As soon as I finish this task hubby calls to brag about his wonderful golf game, I wanted to brag about my fixing the sink but as I tell him what happened and he just laughs. But in the end besides the few extra loads of laundry I did have an unclogged sink, a cleaned of rug and under the kitchen sink was cleaned out. I don't think I would want to be a plumber anytime soon but I did prove to the boys that I didn't need "Atta Boy." Next time I promise I will wait til dad gets home.

Football

I know there are not a ton of huge female football fans out there but I happen to be one of them. Of course last night my Colts are on for the Season kick off, it is starting late enough so I think I can have the little ones to bed atleast before it starts. HA!

I get home from work and start on dinner. I convince hubby to cook out some chicken that saves me a little time. So I start on laundry that I still have left over from camping (makes my stomach turn to think about it). Then I hear a yell that the grill ran out of gas so turn on the oven, great there goes my cook free night. That's ok, I throw the chicken in the oven and go to give the confused one a bath to get that out of the way. She loves to kick in the bathtub so I was drenched when I got her out. GREAT, you have to be kidding me I was so caught up in dinner and bath that I haven't fed the baby yet and she has already had her bath. GRRRR. Ok so maybe if I am real careful with her food and convince her not to cough, spit or sneeze I can just do a quick wipedown after she eats. Actually that worked.

The chicken is done, the drama queen is at a football game cheering so that one is out of the way, I get the sports junkie and the potty mouth (who is tormenting the neighbor about riding his dirt bike). Ok great, opps I am missing one, the spoiled one is at Grandma's. Now getting the spoiled one to leave Grandma's, who happens to live across the street is a chore that you wouldn't believe, I am not looking forward to this but I have an hour and a half before kick off and I need to get her fed and in bed.

I go to Grandma's and have to practically drag her home screaming the whole way while I am carry the confused one that wants down. I get them all at the table and get them feed. Ok, I still have dishes to do and more laundry and baths. I give the confused one to hubby to rock to sleep and take the spoiled one to the bath. One hour until kick off. The bath went ok, besides the cup that I use to wash her hair out with was filled with pee, one of those nasty boys, it went good.

Now off to bed, the teeth are brushed , cartoons are on, she has her baby (Sally). I go downstairs and the confused one is asleep, oh this is really working out. I put the confused one in bed, do more laundry, get the kitchen cleaned up and 25 minutes to kickoff. I am doing good, I will just switch laundry over on commercials, I just can't believe this is all working out.

Kick off!!!!! Ok I have to get the potty mouth in the shower so hubby threatens him and he goes but leaves the bathroom door open that just happens to be at the top of the stairs by the living room and is singing the entire time. That's ok, that's ok, I can tune it out. The sports junkie is wathcing the game and is trying to call the game play by play, ahhh I just want to watch the game. Commercial, go and switch laundry over and I keep dropping clean clothes on the floor. I hear a scream, WHAT!!! they scored???? And I missed it over laundry.......

Ok the confused starts crying because the scream of victory woke her up, the spoiled one is yelling because she saw a my little pony commercial while watching cartoons with Sally and wants to leave to go and buy it right now, the potty mouth is in bed (one down) the sports junkie is mad because he wants to watch the game and he has to take a shower. I get the confused one, tell the spoiled one that I will buy it tomorrow and bribe her by letting her keep her door opened. Ok I get back downstaris, well of course a commercial is on.

Handing off the confused one to hubby to rock back to sleep I get more laundry switched. Ok I am making progress on the laundry atleast everyone has something clean to wear tomorrow. The confused one is back asleep (two down), I tell the sports junkie he can lay in bed and watch it (three down), I check on the spoiled one she is asleep somewhere buried under her toys( four down). Thank goodness. Ok, wait I am missing one, the drama queen and here she comes home from the game. I tell her to get in the shower but she is to busy talking on the phone. I am exhausted I don't even care, I don't want to fight I tell her just go to school stinky. I think her friend hears me that she is talking to so she of course jumps in the shower then.

Half time is over, I got four down. I might be able to watch the last half. More laundry while I am watching the third quarter. I actually got to watch the whole thing believe it or not. Then hubby decides he is going to bed and I figure well I can go up there and watch it that's fine.

The confused one still sleeps in our room until we get the extra bedroom built which I don't think is ever going to happen, so we keep the tv down but I have great hearing so it's ok.

I have this huge fear of sleeping closest to the door so whatever side of the bed is closest is where hubby sleeps. I figure if someoone comes in they will shoot him first and maybe get the kililng out of there system. It didn't come in very handy last night.

The tv is over there, which means I have to pretty much sit up in bed to see it. Ok 8 minutes to go in the game everyone is down including hubby I can watch it without anything but me and the game. 3 minutes to go the Colts have it in the bag and have for some time now but I just want to see the rest of it and I look up and a person is standing at my bedroom door. AHHH!!!! The drama queen, she broke out in hives, who knows why she is strange. Ok let's get some medicine and make you a bed on the couch just in case there is something in your bed that is bothering her. I tell her maybe if she changed her sheets every once in awhile that might help. The bed is made on the couch and back to the bedroom to see the end. It's over, I missed the end? Over hives? Crap, so I turn off the TV, realizing I have to get up in 5 hours for workI lay down. Almost asleep, it's 12:35 am, the confused one is crying. This is some cruel joke on me I am sure of that.

Next time I am going to a bar to watch it.

Birth Control

I like to think of myself as birth control for women with no children. If they ever wanted children when they see my team I like to hope they change there mind or maybe just decide on having just one. I always wanted a big family, I have three sisters and my mom made it look so easy. Of course I didn't realize then what she was going through as a parent but who does when you are little.

When I have friends over or even family I truly enjoy watching their faces as the night goes on. Through dinner, fights, diapers, bottles, etc. It almost is a look of terror. I wonder what it would be like to not be used to the madness in my house and step in. What a scary scenario. The drama queen on the front porch with half the boys in the neighborhood, the sports junkie glued to ESPN and screaming if anyone changes it, even though he has a TV in his room he wants to watch downstairs, the potty mouth running in and out not knowing what to do since he knows he is supposed to behave since we have company but really doesn't want to and wondering how far he can push me, the spoiled one screaming to change ESPN to Sponge bob while playing with Polly Pockets that the confused one is attempting to eat. And I of course making dinner.

Most of them move from the living room to the kitchen with me, I think they may be afraid of them all, I know I would be. They watch in horror as set the table, get them all rounded up, throw the confused one in the high chair and make them start eating. Dinner is done, they all scatter as I am getting annoyed with them. I sit down with my company and try to have an adult conversation but here comes the spoiled one in a tutu and wants you to watch her dance and the potty mouth comes running in which means he broke something, swore at someone or hit someone and I just wait for the doorbell to ring as a neighbor is coming to tell me what he has done now. I try to continue the adult conversation but now the confused one is screaming because the spoiled one is dancing around her and she wants her to stop.

The company tries to leave but may possibly be scared to go out the door since the drama queen and gang of boys are on the porch, but they manage to get out yelling thanks for dinner and not able to run fast enough to get out of the madness. It's funny when they call the next day and say thanks so much for dinner I just don't know how you do it. HA!!!! And they didn't even stick around for bath time.

Camping

Why oh why oh why would I even attempt to do this with 5 kids I have no idea. But sometimes I get these ideas in my head that things are going to be wonderful fun. I get let down every single time but I still try to find things to do that will be a success....so camping isn't one of them. My in-laws have a camper in southern Indiana so we decide to go there for a long weekend. We haven't been camping in years and 2 kids ago. So the packing starts Friday night, making a list and checking it twice, buying groceries to feed an army.

I think that one car, well my van, would be enough room. This is only a one overnight, two day trip. WRONG!!!! My van was loaded up in no time at all with 7 bags of clothes, I am unsure why we each had to have our own, blankets pillows, a cooler, food, air mattress, etc. So the truck had to be packed we still needed the playpen, walker, fishing poles, tackle boxes, stroller, and bikes.

We left Saturday morning with great excitement which of course ended about an hour into the trip, the confused one is sick and screaming, we have to get her out of the car seat (I know illegal) and hold her before I have a nervous breakdown. My husband's truck doesn't have air conditioner but I was thinking, wait he only has one kid with him and I have four I can do without air conditioner if I only have to deal with one kid. Maybe I can talk him into me driving the van on the way back.

We get there two hours later and in no time at all it's I am bored, there is nothing to do, when are we going fishing, why are we here, I am hungry, blah blah blah. So I make a list of things to find on a scavenger hunt, I must have the laziest kids in the world I have one that decides OK he will go, he got about one step into the woods and decides no. I suggest a bike ride and even get on a bike and go with them. That also lasted a few minutes when they decided they were going back. What is a matter with these kids, we camped all the time as children and I thought it was great. I have one buried in sand, one screaming, one playing his PSP that he hide in his bag, one begging to go fish and another looking for boys.

We get the tent up and 3 are sleeping with us and 2 are in the camper. The confused one was up all night and I ended up in the van, that is after I had terrible diarrhea since I drank way to much in order to deal with the false ideas of a great family vacation in my head. I did discover that my van seats don't lay all the way down so I attempted to sleep at an angle holding a baby and seat belts digging into my back. I slept there until I got to cold and went back to the tent it wasn't any warmer but it did have blankets and body heat.

The morning comes and the fishing trip is off. My father-in-law left his registration at home so they couldn't take the boat out. At this time I was looking for any sharp object to just end my misery, I had little sleep and felt terrible, again from the drinking. So they day continued with I am bored, there is nothing to do, when are we leaving, what are we supposed to do??? We decided to go into town where there are go cart tracks, so the kids did that. It was supposed to be a nice weekend but when we got to that track I think it was about 100 degrees.

I was over finally the trip home was upon us. I wouldn't even stop and get a drink, I was headed North and no one could stop me. I couldn't get home fast enough, I didn't care about making dinner and the endless piles of laundry all of a sudden, I just wanted out of this nightmare. Needless to say they are no camping trips made for the future. And one of them had the nerve to ask me when we were going back camping today. HA!!! NEVER